#hardly ever post just normal selfies so this is weird

[princess-kittyxoxo]

🩷🌸 trying something new 🌸🩷

CashApp | Ko-fi

[ziamln]

Just wondering,why do you think nobody has forced zayn to post about the baby? And is that a good thing or do you think he’s in trouble for it?

It is an interesting question, thank you for asking.

I think a lot of the reason he's been able to get away with it so far is the fact that they've been pushing this crap about him hating social media alongside him being an extremely private person.

A lot of the fans don't even question his lack of 'excitement'/posting because of his anxiety and the slow reduction over the past year of his social media presence. One of the articles that was questioning why zayn wasn't there went on to say that it 'isn't anything out of the ordinary. Its not really about him- he's not the one gestating a baby' [essentially saying hes irrelevant to the posts] and going on to talk about how he's 'notoriously private' and prefers being 'out of the mix' and saying their desire for privacy will only intensify, which is utter bullshit if Giggles latest posts are anything to go off- she's actually getting less and less private.

Also a lot of the baby related posts are all linked directly back to giggles, and rarely Zayn, we've only had 2 posts linking Zayn to being the father and the rest was a shit ton of articles. There's not many people questioning why he hasn't said anything, they're mostly just [alarmingly creepily] idolising his supposed child. They've never questioned his absence BC the relationship has always been tailored to favour giggles and make her out to be this amazing person.

All of a sudden giggles is the most amazing person and a Queen and the best everything. No one wants to remember a single bad thing she's done. I mean they don't question a single thing because they idolise her and her relationship so much they forget how badly this whole things has been played out through the drastic changes in bumps between pictures and don't even get me started on the shambles of the dates and timeline of this mess.

Also I'm not sure how well thought out and planned this whole thing was or whether it was a last minute decision of yes, there's quarantine and its more difficult to stunt so how can we carry this on??? Oh perfect quarantine baby announcement so people can't see the same patterns and flaws from the last two baby gates! [Or I also have the theory about how she may be pregnant [not zayns ofc] and that she fell pregnant around the time this one was announced randomly at 5 months in the middle of lockdown???? Like that's not weird at all...] Like you're trying to tell me she would be careless enough to get pregnant whilst being at the "peak" of her career and was unsure if Zayn was 'the one'... Okayyyyy.

Out of all the Hadids the only one who has explicitly used Zayn's name is Bella in her recent, and that was most likely to promo her new Versace perfume but z*gis didn't see how odd that was and ate that shit up BC omg Bella mentioned Zayn, couple goals!1!! The only other real indication they've had for Zayn being the dad is that hella photo shopped post giggles posted captioned as baby daddy and so now no one is questioning Zayn for not responding because the mother of the child confirmed it and they're obviously loved up and there's nothing else left to question at all is there?

Tbf though with all three of the baby gates it has never been made out to be about the 'father', they get next to nothing out of it. It has always been tailored to suit whatever narrative or promo the 'mother' needs because its all about the fame for them and what they can get out of it and just like hardly anyone questions [other than larries, ziammies or people who can see past the lies] Louis or Liam's involvement in their children's lives, unless theyre hating and calling them a deadbeat [once again proving they get nothing out of this but the 'mothers' do]. 

Giggles has proven time and time again that she loves capitalising off Zayns name, e.g. Mohameds recent [deleted post]- who started trending? G*gi and Z*gi, but not Zayn???? Why??? and then surprise surprise Giggles makes a post... And then, the first thing she does after Zayns posts a selfie after months of silence... The baby daddy post... And people don't even question this shit because being happy for Zayn means they love him so much!!1!!1!1!!! Like its funny how in this whole thing, everyone BUT Zayn has been getting some sort of promo from it. Seriously, go onto google, search Zayn and go on the news bar, not a single article there is Zayn centric, its all about Giggles or the 'pregancy' and Hadids.

Zayn has always been second place when it comes to Z*gi, despite the fact that she has used his name to get to where she is, [you can't deny how much her profile has grown since this shit started] Zayns music gets no attention from the media unless they make it about Z*gi- this has always been about boosting Jelenas career, and its evident about how much press this baby is getting over any of Zayns projects or music.

But no of course because some can see through the lies and question if Zayn is truly happy and actually look into this shit we are fake fans because we aren't playing ball and just being blindly happy for him.

Or maybe its to make people question less if they decide to go down the route of it turning out to not be Zayns child [DNA scandal or something?] Not sure on that one though now that Bella mentioned him... Tbf tho, until Bella mentioned him, if you look back at everyone elses posts, lives or interviews they have never mentioned Zayn, only ever mentioning giggles or 'they'. Honesly, its actually amusing how giggles posted that post saying baby daddy, Zayn actively ignored it, [its not like her posts could get lost in his feed when he only follows 27 people and he couldn't spare her a like i'm-] yet Bella managed to post a picture of Gigi saying baby mama, kind of embarrassing if you ask me, love.

Its funny how he's only hates social media when it suits the narrative. He was pretty active on social media this time a year ago, posting a few times a week or at least a few times every month, and then suddenly at the start of the year he's posting a bit and then, bang- nothing. All of a sudden Zayn hates social media and doesn't post for 5 months after years of regular posts...

So he can come online to post about UFC [which I find adorable] but he can't take a minute to like his pregnant girlfriends pictures and z*gis don't even question that??? It kind of says a lot about what Zayns role in the relationship is to them. Because Giggles is the queen don't forget, Zayn has no relevance unless it suits them or she posts a picture with him, after all, all he did was get her name out there!!!1!!

No one is even questioning Zayns family's lack of response on this whole thing and some of the shade they have thrown, purely because they liked a few posts or made a comment here and there so obviously Zayn is the father and he must be so excited because his family is liking the post, oh wait but he hasn't? No that's totally normal and not questionable at all.

They think being happy for Zayn equates to genuinely caring about him, when in reality its not the case because if they truly cared and weren't so far up Jelenas arse they'd be able to tell what was true and false and whether he was truly happy or not, simple.

As for whether he is in trouble or not, its hard to tell. I should think not, with all the crap he's having to endure the least they could do is leave him in peace. But they're evil personified so chances are they could be very pissed with him and waiting for this 'baby' to be born to wreak havoc and have him super involved. I doubt that would sit well with him though because its obvious to see how difficult he has found stunting since the beginning, this would be hell for him if they made him have to be active. I do have a feeling that BC we are in the endgame of some of these stunts [some contracts may be ending soon] that they could get a lot more in your face with it...

Or maybe because Liam has taken on the engagement they'll go easier on Zayn? I just hope Zayn is not made out to be the bad guy however this ends, he deserves better.

Ok i need to stop because there is so much wrong with this whole thing I could go on about it forever, but either way this whole thing is hella suss, regardless of what you believe. You can't deny it.

I'm sorry this ended up so long, I hope it answered your questions though! x

[purrincess-chat]

Quaranteen Hearts CH3

This is for day 8: hair down and day 20: photoshoot for @adrinetteapril Hope you’re all not too bored in quarantine!

Read on AO3

Chapter 3

“Hey, Adrien,” Marinette greeted when she answered, and he leaned back in his chair with a sigh. “What’s wrong?”

“This quarantine is what’s wrong. I’m so bored,” he groaned. “I wanna go outside.”

“Your father still not letting up?” She winced, and he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Nope,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Do you think it’s possible to die of boredom?”

Marinette pressed a hand to her lips to muffle a laugh. “Why don’t you try out a new hobby? I’m teaching myself how to do eye makeup between craft projects,” she offered when he seemed unamused.

“I dunno, I’m just too restless,” he said, leaning against his fist. “I feel so cramped here like I don’t have room to breathe. I can hardly focus on anything.”

Marinette pursed her lips, eyebrows knitting together, and he curled his shoulders. He hated to dump all of his problems on Marinette like this when she was probably going just as crazy being stuck at home. It wasn’t her fault the world was facing a pandemic.

“Sorry, I’m just a little frustrated,” he said, lowering his gaze, but she shook her head.

“No, I know how hard this must be for you. I just wish there were more I could do to help you,” she said, and Adrien smiled, feeling his heart warm.

“Being here for me is already enough, Marinette. You’re really awesome to let me call and bother you every day,” he said, and her cheeks flushed pink.

“Oh, it’s not a bother at all. I’m happy to talk with you,” she insisted, fanning her face, and his shoulders relaxed.

“Thanks, Marinette. I like talking to you too,” he said, hoping to convey the sincerity of those words.

It was true. When Alya suggested calling Marinette, he’d jumped at the opportunity. He was even a little disappointed that he hadn’t thought of it sooner, and the past few days had been infinitely more bearable because of her. After this quarantine, he’d have to pay back her kindness, but first, he was probably going to hug her for ten minutes.

“Um, hey, here’s an idea if you’re bored. Why don’t we start a silly hashtag on Instagram for all of our friends? We can call it quarantine selfies and see what everyone is up to,” she suggested, and Adrien perked up.

“That sounds fun, and it’ll be a good way to see everyone too,” he said as the waves of existential dread parted. “Good thinking, Marinette.”

She beamed, and Adrien’s heart warmed under that soft smile. Her energy was so infectious. Marinette had a way of cheering even the grumpiest people up, and he had to wonder why they didn’t hang out more. Well, outside of his father refusing to let him do anything. He couldn’t think of a single time when he wasn’t happy to hang out with her and hoped that they could see each other more on the other side of this quarantine.

“Adrien?” Nathalie knocked on his door before entering. “Your suit for the photoshoot has arrived, and your father would like you to try it on.”

“Now?” Adrien threw his head back with a sigh.

“Your father is very busy, Adrien. We’re doing a lot of groundwork to rearrange everything because of the quarantine,” Nathalie said, and Adrien knew better than to argue.

“Sorry, Marinette, gotta go,” he said.

“That’s okay! I’ll go ahead and start the hashtag that way you can look at it when you’re done,” she said, and he smiled.

“Thanks, Marinette. You’re awesome. I’ll talk to you later,” he said, and she waved before he hung up and followed Nathalie downstairs.

His clothes fit like they always did. He wasn’t sure why his father always insisted on having him try everything on first when every single outfit he’d ever worn had been perfectly measured and tailored to his exact physique, but Gabriel Agreste never spared an expense when it came to him.

When Nathalie took a phone call, he took the opportunity to check Instagram, delighted to find that several of his friends had already posted. Marc shared a picture of a page he was writing for his next comic with Nathaniel. Max was programming more heroes into his video game. Luka and Juleka were writing new music. Chloe, of course, was being pampered by heavily suited nail stylists, and Alya was helping her little sisters with their schoolwork.

He lingered on the last post of Marinette debuting a new eyeshadow look, her hair hanging loosely around her shoulders. His pulse quickened, and he found himself studying every detail of her face. The curve of her chin, the contour of her lips, her long fluttery lashes enhanced by black mascara. It often lingered in the back of his mind, though he didn’t normally pay it much thought, but…Marinette was really pretty.

Was it weird to think that about your friends? No. Of course not. A lot of the girls in his class were pretty in their own way, Marinette included, but he had to admit, he couldn’t take his eyes off her. Smiling as he liked her picture, he raised his camera and made a face, constructing his post just before Nathalie came back in.

“Well, at least I’m not out of a job #modellife #quarantineselfie #imissgoingoutside”

He’d leave Marinette a comment later once he had time to fully process how amazing she was which, if he was honest, would probably take him a while.

[meanwhileonmyotherblog]

91 (but it has to be your latest selfie), 71-80

91. Post a selfie.

Okay, but seriously, I have to delete these selfies soon. What if someone I know randomly comes across this and sees the contents of my sex-addled brain figuratively up on display for the damn world to see? I don’t embarrass easily, at all. But yeah, that won’t be good. I actually don’t mind posting normal clothed selfies on this blog. But, I worry about someone I know seeing them. Is that weird?

Here, latest one: (weird expression but I’m playing by the rules! Which is too bad because the ones before it are cuter)

71. Do you like it in the butt?

This is phrased like a 12 yr old is asking 🙄.

But the answer is: yes.

72. What’s the strangest object you’ve had in your butt?

Nothing stranger than a finger, tongue or cock.

73. Do you enjoy being rimmed?

Yes. Especially if his hands are wandering during it.

74. Can you take a lot in your butt, or just a little?

The former. But that’s because for anal to feel good for me, the deeper a man has to go inside me, and then the better it feels. I have this foolproof way of doing anal so that it feels fucking amazing and hardly hurts at all.

75. Describe your most recent experience with buttsex.

If I’m honest, it’s been so long, I don’t remember it. Easily 5-8 years ago. Maybe more.

76. Do you like doing stuff to other people’s butts?

Only if I’m very, very into him. Which is generally a given as I don’t have casual sex. But there are varying levels of liking a person. You can be extremely compatible and love someone without being super attracted to them. And then, no, not super into that.

Or you can be crazy fucking attracted to someone who’s sexy as fuck times ten, and I could imagine spending an hour back there and not getting bored once, provided he was getting off on it.

Generally speaking, If it pleases him, the more I want to do it. But in this case, I enjoy doing it, too.

77. (Prostate-owners) Have you ever received a prostate massage?

Don’t have a prostrate. But would be willing to give one if he wanted me to.

78. Do you own any buttplugs?

Nope. Wait. I think I did once! Maybe?

That said, I have no aversion to owning any. It’s just been a long time since I was with anyone who would want me to own one or use one.

79. Have you ever had an embarrassing buttsex experience?

Nope.

Also, nothings really embarrassing if you’re with someone you trust and genuinely like. Then something that would typically be “embarrassing” would probably become funny or no big deal and then you move on.

80. Have you ever pegged someone (ie., worn a strapon and fucked them in the butt)?

Answered this, but here goes again. I haven’t yet. I can’t wait to.

I find any man who is open enough to not be embarrassed by liking anything having to do with his ass during sex to be so fucking sexy.

Doesn’t mean you’re gay or less of a man. It just means it feels good and that’s one more fun thing you get to do in the bedroom.

[jeongfm-blog]

               hello  everyone  !  my  name’s 𝒍𝒖𝒎𝒂 (  pronouns  they  /  them  )  and  i’m  super  excited  to  be  here  !   it’s  been  a  while  since  my  last  city  rp ,  but  since  it’s  one  of  my  fave  kinds  of  rp ,  i  figured  i  would  give  it  a  whirl  once  again  !   some  boring  facts  about  myself  is  that  i’m  a  sucker  for  golden  hour  despite  not  even  having  an  instagram ,  i  spend  too  much  time  watching  youtube  videos  (  i  recently  got  back  into  watching  my  girl  jenn  im  and  now  i  remember  why  i’m  so  obsessed  with  her  ) ,  and  i  have  books  on  my  shelf  that  i  got  for  christmas  and  haven’t  read  a  single  one  !  i’m  super  excited  to  introduce  you  guys  to  my  pride  and  joy  𝒔𝒐𝒇𝒊𝒂  𝒋𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒈  as  well  as  to  plot  and  interact  with  everyone  !

full name : sofia jeong.

nickname(s): sof and posy by her dad only !

birthday : february 9th, 1997.

zodiac : aquarius.

moral alignment : neutral good.

gender : cisfemale.

pronouns: she/her/hers.

sexual orientation : bisexual.

romantic orientation : biromantic.

height : 5′6″ ( five foot, six inches ).

hometown : ascot, brisbane, australia.

nationality : australian.

ethnicity : korean.

language(s) spoken : english, korean, and conversational portuguese.

occupation : social media influencer.

aesthetics : bright computer screens at two am, a pristine instagram theme, morning dew, perfect lighting, clear lip gloss, glass skin, selfies in small circular mirrors, freshly dyed rose gold hair, oversized tees and denim shorts, soft skin on white sheets, foreign languages, bright early mornings, staring in awe into someone’s eyes, honeyed laughter, music playing in the background, late night drives, early morning hikes, iced coffee on cold mornings, vanilla scented body lotion, the sound of pencil on paper, highlighter gleaming in the sunlight, perfectly styled hair, and soft pink on crisp white shirts.

i. background.

taemin jeong was a freshman at the university of queensland, studying computer science, when he met his future girlfriend grace kim, who was studying architecture. he was awkward and bumbling while she was sociable and graceful ( no pun intended ), but somehow the couple was a perfect match from the moment they met in freshman algebra. they made their friends sick with their love and moved through the challenges of college with one another. 

the summer before their senior year, they moved into their own off-campus apartment. this same summer, grace discovered that she was pregnant with their first and only child, who the couple later named sofia. when the couple graduated, sofia was three months old and featured in a lot of their graduation photos. 

after their graduation, though, things for the couple began to fall apart. while taemin wanted to marry grace and have a family, grace was feeling trapped as she wasn’t expecting to have a child so soon. so, one day when taemin took sofia to visit his parents, grace packed her things and one picture of their daughter before leaving a note for taemin.

to put it lightly, taemin was heartbroken upon discovery that grace was gone, but he couldn’t sulk for long as he had a wide eyed seven month old to care for. so from that point on, taemin focused on his career and sofia. he thankfully had the help of his parents while he worked long hours to save money, but after two years they moved into their forever home.

growing up, sofia’s life was pretty normal, despite the fact that her mom wasn’t around. there were times where things were tight in the one parent household, but for the most part sofia has no complaints about her childhood. much like a lot of people, sofia was a kid who liked filming weird videos with her friends and doing absolutely nothing with them other than leaving them on the computer for her dad to find.

the very first beauty youtuber that sofia ever watched ( like a lot of people ) was michelle phan ! she absolutely fell in love with michelle and began wanting to do her own makeup videos as well. she made a really crappy channel when she was like ... twelve and let’s just say that the video she made was horrific ! like most youtubers, her channel’s name was like like sofiaposybeauty60 or something ugly like that.

a few years later, when she was about fifteen, sofia tried her hand at youtube once again. this time she made a twitter and instagram to correspond with it, hoping that she could build something of a platform. her videos were of terrible quality and her makeup was probably really bad, but she did it anyways. she’d post her makeup looks on instagram and when that grew, so did her channel.

skipping along because i talk too damn much, now at twenty two, sofia has five million subscribers on youtube and 1.6 million followers on her instagram. if i were to compare her to an actual youtuber, i’d say she’s a mix between jenn im and sophia chang. she’s very much into staying in her own lane and her videos are pretty ~aesthetic and chill. she has her own online clothing store as well called ( something, idk yet ).

anyways, sofia made the move to barcelona from brisbane about a year and a half ago because she wanted a change of scenery. she came to barcelona previously on a trip with some girlfriends and after a while of planning, she made the move ! she currently lives in a cozy little apartment with her eight month old goldendoodle named rockie !

ii. appearance.

sofia’s appearance is pretty much canon to rosé’s ! her hair is currently strawberry blonde and is always a variety of such. she likes to change her hair color every so often, but this is the one that’s been around for a while. sofia hasn’t had dark hair since she was about thirteen years old, which is when she first dyed her hair from black to brown. since then, she slowly began to lighten it to where it is now.

when it comes to her sense of style, it’s very much inspired by model off duty. it includes a lot of denim, a lot of black, ankle boots, and sneakers. she’s a big fan of tote bags and is usually always seen with one ( since she’s always carrying around a camera, her laptop, and other little things ). it’s no surprise that she has a container in her closet full of them, but she of course, has her more luxury ones in her collection as well.

for the most part though, when she’s just lounging around her apartment, sofia is super casual. it’s fuzzy socks. it’s oversized tees that swallow her physique. there’s no makeup on her face. she has on her glasses and her hair is piled onto her head in the messiest of messy buns. she’s a huge fan of jewelry though and is hardly ever seen without rings on her fingers and her favorite necklace around her neck.

iii. personality.

vociferous, precisian, and beguiling : when it comes to her positive traits, most of it entails from her career on social media. prior to being on youtube, sofia was more on the quiet side and kept to herself, but since then especially with doing vlogs, she’s more comfortable being the one to start a conversation. she’s a big perfectionist, also stemming from her career, but it’s trickled into behind the camera as well. she doesn’t like to half ass anything, no matter what it may be. and finally, sofia is as charming as ever. she can charm the pants off of anything with a little eye glimmer and a hair flip, she’s got them in the bag.

advantageous, negligible, and censorious : as for her negative traits, sofia is advantageous in regard that she knows how to work people into believing that she’s the best choice for them. it’s how she’s gotten most of her sponsorships -- sometimes her manager jokes with her that she doesn’t really need him. sofia is super petty as well, which is actually bad -- she’s the girl who doesn’t let ignorant comments slip on her instagram or twitter, but sometimes all it does is get her into trouble with her public relations team. finally, sofia can be critical of people at times, even if she doesn’t mean it in a malicious way. maybe it stems from being analyzed constantly herself, but she can sometimes immediately regret it after it’s been said unless it’s someone that she doesn’t get along with.

iv. wanted plots.

i’ll have a wanted connections page up every soon with a couple of detailed plots that i’d like to have, but i’m always down for ( but not limited to ) enemies with benefits, ex friends, best friends, flirtationship, failed relationship, best friends, squad, almost relationship, good/bad influence, family friends, someone who appears on her channel, slow burn ( !!! ), workout buddies, neighbors, confidants, and above all else, chemistry !  

[iamagarbagepotato-blog]

A Potato Appears [Part 1 of 3].

Just to put this out there immediately: this is **NOT** a ProAna/ProMia blog, and I do not condone or encourage any of the actions or behaviors I express in this blog.

Now that that’s out of the way; Hi. I’ll call myself Sophia, I’m 29 years old, study full time in college, work as a server/bartender, and I have been struggling with bulimia since 2014. I had stopped in 2015, but severely relapsed in 2017. The only people that know are myself and the counselors I saw in 2014, my dentist, and the therapist I see currently.

I wanted to start this blog because I do not feel brave enough in my external life to talk to any friends, family, my boyfriend, or even my general practitioner doctor about this problem. Mostly because while I am not severely underweight like I was in 2014 (in fact, I do have a normal BMI), my laxative abuse is real and I feel as if it is consuming my life to the point where it interferes with my work, my social life, and especially my current academic life.

 I’ll fill in some background information and clue y’all in; just be aware that it’s a novel... 

Humble Beginnings (2013-2015)

I was 23.

It was early summer where I was living in southwest Florida, and the weather was unrealistically hot and humid. I had just come home from a very expensive grocery shopping trip for my boss at work (I was a bartender for a popular Mexican restaurant in the area) for one of my other boss’ going away party. I was tasked with making boozy treats for the adults. I remember them vividly; champagne cupcakes, chocolate Modelo Negro cupcakes, strawberry margarita cupcakes, Corona cupcakes with lime and beer buttercream, and Blue Moon cupcakes (because why not?) with orange and beer buttercream. I had posted a selfie of myself about halfway through covered completely in flour and other baking messes when a guy I had known from my days of marching drum corps messaged me. Let’s call him Mike. I had always thought he was attractive and very musically talented, so I entertained his flattering messages, and eventually we hopped on Skype as I continued baking while he sat on his couch drinking Bud Light. 

He had made some forward comments; I didn’t mind because Florida had done my body good, even after my retirement from drum corps. He mentioned possibly coming up to visit him in Ohio, to which I said wouldn’t be a problem. He asked if I was serious, and I asked him if he was.. we set a date and I was off to visit Ohio two or three weeks later. 

Once I landed, things with Mike were awkward, at first... but they progressed fast and hard. After a couple of months of visiting, I decided to move there permanently. I was also offered a chance to finish my music degree (which was something I had put off since 2011 and desperately wanted to complete) and was offered a position with a small, local, volunteer orchestra. 

In early January of 2014, I had set out on the long 1200+ mile journey to move everything I could fit in my car from Florida to Ohio. I decided to not move in with him right away and instead lived with a roommate that was also a mutual friend of Mike’s, and she was dating the employer I had when I moved to Ohio. I was all set; I was working as a bartender, performing music on the side, meeting new people, and was set to start school in the fall later that year. I was dating one of the best musicians I knew that not only shared my love of orchestral music, but that of competitive marching music too. I was being shown off, and was enjoying life in a new city with new people. 

Well, in March my roommate decided to take a few months-long trip to someplace off the grid. I could not afford the apartment on my own and was still a bit too new to the area to scour for a new roommate on such short notice, so I hesitantly moved in with Mike, and that’s when things started to get a bit weird. He had noted that even at his age at the time (32), he had never had a girlfriend live with him, nor had he ever had a girlfriend longer than a year. We worked opposite schedules, him teaching mornings and afternoons, and myself teaching students in the late afternoon before working nights in to late night. He had begun to make a few comments about how I had put on weight for my first winter in three years and it started to get on my nerves.

His behavior became weird at this time; He needed attention on him at all times. One incident I remember in particular was after an orchestra rehearsal, we had gone to a bar with friends and a lot of people at the bar started talking to me (mostly about my instrument and about the concert program for when/where they could see it) and Mike just busted out his instrument and started playing so people would acknowledge him. Thinking about that now still makes me incredibly uneasy. It was around this time, I started thinking that he might have had a drinking problem. Each night I’d come home to a 30 pack of Bud Light gone in a day and a half, and I know that I don’t drink that stuff, even in my worst of states. Whenever we’d go to parties, bar performances, or comedy shows, he’d always be the one drinking. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but looking back now, I missed a lot of red flags. 

Around June, his comments about my weight had gotten on my nerves a bit more, and I was a bit on edge because I had started a second serving/bartending job a few weeks prior in a new upscale place. I became increasingly suspicious when he began concealing his phone. I’m not an overly paranoid girlfriend that wants to know your business, but his behavior became odd. I grew suspicious that he may have been talking to, or even seeing someone else while I was working two jobs and teaching my music students.

It made me think that it was my fault... that somehow with me becoming more and more unattractive was the reason he was being led astray. So I started running, and I started running a LOT. It was hard because, yeah, I was out of shape, but I also have asthma. I became frustrated when I couldn’t complete a time or distance that I wanted, and I’d punish myself for that by forcing myself to purge by vomiting. The first time was so hard, but seeing all the stir fry I had made and consumed hours before expel from my body and being flushed away gave me a sense of cleanliness. I was so glad to be rid of that. In my mind, I did deserve it. I would deprive myself of foods, and what little I did eat would be expelled when I could get away with it without suspicion. 

Eventually I did something terrible; I did look at his phone and did confirm that he was not faithful to me. I was a bit scared about whether or not I should confront him about this. Most nights when he’d be drinking, he’d become emotionally abusive and would become unnecessarily argumentative with me to the point I’d breathe a sigh of relief when he’d pass out on the couch instead of crawling in to bed with me. When confronted, he immediately pinned me as the bad guy by going through his phone. In retrospect, it definitely wasn’t the smartest idea, nor the most honest, but it gave me the answer I was looking for and confirmed my suspicions. He became angry and so irate and I don’t remember much of what happened next other than a series os smacks across the face and jaw and being pushed down on to the bed we once shared and had “relations” in just hours before. After he had yelled at me so much that his spittle grossly mixed with he blood on my face, he strangely apologized, got up, and passed out on the couch for the remainder of the evening. 

I layed there on the bed motionless for hours, thinking that this could have been avoided if I had just stayed thin. I didn’t know what to do; I had no friends that weren’t also his, I had no family (the closest was 6 hours away), and I had no money to run or go someplace else. I only got up that morning to shower and notice that one of my farther back anterior teeth was missing (and still is, but it’s hardly noticeable, but it is a constant reminder). To this day, I am unsure of my tooth dislodged because of the force he was using, or because the damage I had done to my teeth from throwing up so much. It remains a mystery. After he came to, we had agreed that until I found someplace else, I would have complete access to the bedroom and it would be my space and my space only. I chose this room because it was the only one in the apartment with a functioning lock.

I had felt pretty terrible medically about a week later; I had more severe cramps than normal and my menstrual blood was extremely heavy and different in appearance. I promptly went to the doctor to see what the problem was. Turned out that I not only miscarried at 8 weeks without even knowing I was pregnant because I was taking a birth control pill and we used condoms, but I also had a stomach ulcer. The physician noted the dramatic decrease in weight (140lbs in the winter to about 110lbs in mid-June) but noted it to be from the ulcer and the stress of the miscarriage. I had every opportunity to say that I was bringing and purging and refusing food; I could have said something about needing help in my dangerous situation... but I did nothing as he gave me a prescription for Effexor.

I became very quiet in the house, and was scolded often for not acknowledging his presence when I’d enter or leave a room he was in. He became so controlling and wanted to strip me of my privacy so much that he actually removed the door from the hinges so that the only privacy I had was in the bathroom. A few weeks of this and we’re finally in to July of 2014. He bought us tickets to see the baseball team play on the Fourth of July; which was a nice gesture and I went because I wasn’t working. I was very quiet because the Fourth of July is a somber holiday for me because my favorite uncle committed suicide on that day in 2006 and the memory still plays vividly in my mind every year. Around the third inning, Mike looked at me quietly watching the game, tapped me on the shoulder and said, “A few of my friends are here; I’m going to go sit with them.” Not long after, I gathered my things, hopped on the train, and walked back to the apartment only to discover that we only took one set of keys; his keys. So I sat at a bar for the next eight hours, watching the game, and glancing out the window to see if I would see him walk by so I could be let in. We were both very quiet after that. I had duct-taped a shower curtain on to the door frame just to have a small bit of privacy afterwards. 

About a week later, Mike had reconnected with a guy friend he only saw occasionally since high school. They’d drink together and from hearing their conversations and hearing the beer cans being thrown in the recycling box that they both had problems with controlling their alcohol. I am unsure of why I was so judgmental of this when I couldn’t control myself when it came to binging and purging on a daily basis. His friend would often make comments to him about trying to get us back together, calling me Mike’s “cute suburbanite girlfriend” in the process. I was probably a jerk for eavesdropping (but he took away my fucking DOOR so he kinda asked for it) but this was the only time I ever heard Mike admit to someone that he had a problem with alcohol; both of them admitted it to each other, actually. At this point, their conversation moved outside and I have no idea what happened next until the next morning because I had fallen asleep watching a film with headphones in.

I had woken up the next morning to the sounds of knocking on the door; it was one of Mike’s friends asking for his spare glasses. I was confused because I didn’t see Mike anywhere or any sign that he had returned from when he had been out with his friend the night before. Turns out, he and his friend had gone on a walk and had gotten in to a physical altercation. To this day, Mike claims that I somehow conspired to set it up, but after what had just happened to me, I would never risk any physical harm on another human being, especially maliciously and violently. In light of this, I immediately called my mother who lived six hours away for her to wire me some money so I could come home immediately. I stayed for a week while Mike stayed with his parents nearby in order to give my job some minimal notice and to cover all my grounds with our mutual landlord. 

When I came home to my mom, I was 102lbs and couldn’t bring myself to purge in her tiny home when she and her dog would hear me and investigate. I caught treatment silently through a local program, but ceased shortly after when my hectic life of working three jobs became a bit too much for me to worry about anything else. I thought I was free from bulimia.. until 2017 hit me like a ton of bricks.

Part 2 will continue soon... 

[quicksilversquared]

Pictures on the Wall

It started as a tickle of a thought in Alix Kubdel's mind- wouldn't it be funny to plaster Marinette's room in pictures of her crush?

She didn't expect a TV crew to show Marinette's room on TV before her friend could fully finish cleaning the room up.

(Troublemaker fix-it/AKA why Marinette has So. Many. Pictures. on the wall)

(FF.net) (AO3)

It started out as a tickle of a thought in the back of Alix Kubdel's mind. She snickered briefly at it and then refocused on her homework, re-reading a passage for French Lit.

But the idea was not forgotten. Not fully, at least.

"I don't think he's capable of taking a bad photo," Marinette said dreamily the next day as their little group of girls sat together during a break between classes. She was staring at a page in a fashion magazine. Alix didn't have to be a genius to deduce that Marinette was talking about Adrien yet again. "He's just so-"

"I'm pretty sure that his father and the photographer probably weed out any photos that aren't great," Alix told her, cutting Marinette off before she could finish her sentence. She really didn't need to hear about how dreamy or handsome or bla bla bla Adrien was another time. Ever since Marinette and Alya had decided to "let her in" on the "secret" of Marinette's crush on Adrien (it wasn't a secret. It really wasn't. Even Kim had caught on ages ago, which said something about how obvious Marinette was), she had had to hear Marinette's gushing.

(Alix was starting to think that Alya had only pushed to let the other girls in on the 'secret' so that she wouldn't have to put up with the Adrien-talk by herself. As much as it could annoy her, Alix couldn't really blame Alya for that.)

Besides, Adrien was hardly dreamy and cool all the time Anyone who believed that believed in a lie, because Adrien was a giant dork. Anyone who spent more than a few minutes with him knew that much. It was hard to keep a straight face around Marinette's dreamy sighs over Adrien when Alix had seen him fighting to keep a pencil balanced on his nose longer than Nino earlier in the day and pouting when he lost, or when she had spotted him making outrageous hair styles with his ridiculously long hair.

(Despite what Marinette said about Adrien being able to pull off any look, Alix knew better. Adrien could not pull off a mohawk. It just... no.)

Still, Marinette was stubbornly shaking her head. "I bet they only have to choose between great photos! He does a great job with his modeling-"

And Alix tuned her out, mind churning deviously as the others discussed ideas for having Marinette ask Adrien out.

Surely there had to be some awkward photos of Adrien out there, considering how much of a following he had in Paris and how many photos got snapped of him on a daily basis. And some of his fans would post any photos of him, even bad ones, just to prove that they had seen him.

Alix decided to make it her personal mission to track all of those photos down to bury Marinette under them. And what she found made her very, very happy.

There were so many photos of Adrien looking supremely uncomfortable as he was pulled into a selfie with one fan or another (those got cropped so Adrien's ridiculous expressions filled the whole screen). There were photos of him dashing down the street away from fans, photos of him laughing with friends, photos of him with his bodyguard and Nathalie, photos of photoshoots but from another angle, photos of him getting photoshoot makeup touched up, photos of him messing around and purposefully pulling weird faces.

In short, there were a lot of photos. Not all of them were good. Alix cackled as she printed them all off and stuck them in a folder to bring to school. She would have to spring them on Marinette when Adrien wasn't anywhere in the vicinity or else face the combined wrath of Alya and Marinette (which she was not willing to do), but she was sure that that wouldn't be that difficult.

She wasn't expecting Alya to intercept her first.

"Oh, you should put those up in Marinette's room and see how long it takes for her to notice," Alya's voice said with a snicker several minutes before homeroom started. Alix jumped and spun around, abruptly abandoning her conversation with Kim. Alya stood there, perusing Alix's folder of ridiculous Adrien photos. How she had snuck up completely undetected was... well, it was very Alya. "I bet it would take her a while to notice."

Alix snickered at the suggestion, remembering her original idea of absolutely plastering Marinette's room in Adrien photos. It would be a good way to tease her about her crush a little bit while maybe helping her realize that she should calm down about having pictures of Adrien up everywhere. "Or I can mix in actual decent photos with these and then stick them in all sorts of weird places."

Alya grinned. "Such as...?"

"On the walls, under her bed, in the desk drawers..." Alix added, that original funny idea coming back full-force. She grinned, then glanced towards Marinette's normal seat. It was empty, as was Adrien's seat up front. "Where is Marinette, anyway? She's running late again."

Alya threw a look over her shoulder and then shrugged. "Who knows. But that gives us time to plot." Without waiting for further answer, she slid onto the bench next to Alix. "So, show me what you have!"

It wasn't difficult to find a time to sneak into Marinette's room when Marinette herself wasn't there. It was difficult to find places to put all of the photos they had dragged up.

And there were a lot. Along with the less-than-good photos, Alya had dragged up a whole slew of photos from old magazine ads Adrien had done, as well as screenshots from some of his commercials. Alix was a bit worried that the poster putty she had brought wouldn't be enough.

"At least her desktop picture isn't so awful anymore," Alix commented as she reached over the computer to attach one of the pictures on the wall behind it. "That was...yikes."

"I think she changed it when Adrien came over to play Mega Strike," Alya told her. She handed Alix a smaller photo to hang next. "And then she went with an, uh, unaltered photo next, after he left. I don't remember if she lost the collage one somehow or what."

"Good riddance to that one," Alix muttered. She clambered off of Marinette's desk, making sure to replace everything on it where it had been. "Okay, where should that next poster go?"

Half an hour later, Marinette's room was thoroughly decorated and she and Alya were puzzling over what to do with the leftover pictures.

"We can't put them too high, or Marinette won't be able to get them down again," Alya said. She flipped over a particularly bad photo of Adrien doing what appeared to be a Vulcan salute. Alix had maybe done a teensy bit of Photoshop on it to make an already pretty bad picture worse (and to get rid of the "fan" who, in Adrien's defense, looked slightly unhinged), and she was...well, a bit creeped out by the result would be the most accurate description. "Where did you find this?"

"Photoshop."

Alya snorted in amusement. "Oh, gosh. Okay, let's stick these under Marinette's bed and on the underside of her chaise and see how long it takes for her to notice. There's no point in wasting a perfectly good picture."

"Or a perfectly awful photo." Alix made another face at the Vulcan salute photo and then handed it to Alya to take. "Okay, yeah, good idea."

It didn't take long to stash away the rest of the photos and get the rest of their mess cleaned up so that they could go. Alya led the way towards Marinette's trapdoor, opening it and starting to climb down.

Alix paused, turning to look back at the room one last time. An inkling of doubt crept up her spine. "You're sure there's no way that Adrien would see this? He wouldn't come over to play video games again before Marinette can clean up?"

Alya shook her head. "Nah, he wouldn't come over out of the blue. And you know he would never go into Marinette's room without her permission, and she would want to clean up her normal posters before letting him up. Believe me, it'll be fine."

  "I hate you," Marinette announced the next day at school as soon as she saw Alya. She was pouting. "Very funny."

Alya tried not to grin. "It was Alix's idea first. She helped me."

"I hate you both."

  "Aren't you going to take the pictures down?"

Marinette glanced up from her homework at Tikki. "Hmm?"

Tikki pointed to the pictures covering all of Marinette's walls. "The pictures! Shouldn't you take them down?" She frowned at Marinette. "You aren't thinking of leaving them up, are you? Marinette..."

"I'll take them down, just not right now," Marinette said, turning back to her homework. "I just don't have the time! I'm really behind on my schoolwork, thanks to all of the akumas we've had, and I shouldn't prioritize cleaning photos off of my walls over that."

"Oh, that's smart." A pause. "But you'll take care of it soon, right?"

"Of course!"

  "Marinette, about these pictures..."

Marinette shook her head, eyes not leaving the computer screen in front of her as she typed. "This is due tomorrow. I'm already on thin enough ice with Madam Mendeleiev, I can't possibly ask for an extension for no apparent reason. It'll have to wait."

Tikki considered the wall. "Can I take some of them down? The really awkward ones?"

"Sure, I guess."

Tikki worked her way around the room, removing the worst of the photos from the wall. It was slow work, mostly because she had to remove the poster putty from the wall as she removed things, and she didn't want to accidentally leave any marks like she and Marinette had in their frantic tearing-down of posters when Adrien visited. Once she was done, there were still a lot of photos, but at least they were mostly normal.

Hopefully Marinette would have a spare hour soon to finish returning her room to its normal state.

  "Marinette, are you going to take the photos down today?"

Marinette paused with one foot out the door. "I can't! I told Maman that I would help down in the bakery. Tomorrow, for sure!"

  Marinette had pulled three large photos down when her phone rang with an akuma alarm. Sighing, she tossed the picture in her recycling without a second glance (she was never going to mention how photogenic Adrien was within Alix's hearing range ever, ever again- where the other girl had found such awful photos she had no idea) and raced up to her balcony to transform.

  "About those photos-"

"Still behind!"

  "Can I take more photos down?"

Marinette glanced up from her Physics homework. "Yeah, I guess? Just don't do this area, I don't want to get distracted."

Tikki frowned. "Marinette, I'll have to take down those photos sometime. Can't you work somewhere else? Downstairs, maybe?"

"I'll do it this weekend, after the Jagged TV thing," Marinette promised. "But for right now, I can't. I need to use my computer for this assignment."

  Alix stared at her TV in horror. There, in full color on the screen, was Marinette's room.

And Marinette's wall.

And a number of the pictures of Adrien that she and Alya had put up two weeks prior.

And Jagged Stone was pointing to them and the camera was focusing on them, bringing them up full-screen.

"She didn't take them down?" Alix exclaimed, fingers clutching at her hair. How? Why? Sure, Marinette had mentioned being crazy busy and really behind after spending time working on a sewing project instead of doing her homework, but surely she could have spared a couple minutes to clear her walls.

At least it looked like she had gotten the purposefully bad photos down, and most of the room was largely free of pictures. It was just that corner of the room, really-

-but that one corner was really bad. Like, it was plastered with pictures, from desk to ceiling.

This was bad.

Her phone rang, and Alix scrambled to answer it. "Hello?"

"We gotta fix this," Alya said, sounding panicked. "Oh, gosh. I never thought- no one else was meant to see that! At least it wasn't her entire room, but- Adrien's gonna be so weirded out, and it won't even be her fault."

"Maybe we can text him?" Alix suggested. "Let him know that it was part of a prank? Even if half of those photos were Marinette's anyway." It would be their apology to Marinette if they did that, she figured. Everyone else would forget about the photos after a few weeks, but Adrien wouldn't, and Marinette would probably flounder through an explanation too badly to be any use if Adrien approached her with any questions. "Should we text him now, or wait until school tomorrow?"

"Do you think we can get to him before he spots Marinette?" Alya asked, not even waiting for Alix to answer before she plowed on. "I think it would be hard to explain anything over text, personally, but- oh! I could call him, hang on-"

The line abruptly went dead and Alix flopped back in her seat, watching the screen. Marinette had chased the cameras out of her room- and Alix had to give her props for how composed she was keeping herself while surely embarrassed beyond belief, and she was ordering Jagged Stone and Alec around too, and they were celebrities- and now Tom and Sabine were trying to shoo the crew out completely, except some strange stuff seemed to be happening.

Like, mega-strange stuff.

Alya called Alix back a minute later, once it had been confirmed that there was an akuma at the bakery- and poor Marinette, she must be having an awful day- and Alya sounded frantic. "He's not answering his phone. I tried calling three times and nothing."

"Maybe the pretty boy is busy and missed the show?" Alix suggested. "You could ask Nino."

"Nino is out of town this weekend. He won't be back until Monday." Alya groaned. "Oh, this is such a mess."

"Maybe we can just wait until Monday?" Alix suggested as she watched Chat Noir get flung into a news van on-screen. "I mean, Adrien is always early and Marinette is almost always running in last-minute anyway. Surely we can catch him before Marinette gets there."

"Sounds like a plan," Alya agreed. "So, any ideas for excuses as to why we covered Marinette's room in pictures of Adrien?"

  Adrien wasn't in the classroom. It was three minutes to the bell, and Adrien wasn't in the classroom yet.

Alix was starting to get concerned. How were they meant to corner Adrien and give their excuses if the boy was MIA?

And then, a minute before the bell, Adrien slipped through the door and into his seat. Marinette followed forty-five seconds later.

There was no way they hadn't run into each other in the locker room. Alix hoped that Marinette hadn't said anything too strange to him. If she had, all the excuses in the world from Alix and Alya wouldn't help anything.

They cornered Adrien in their next break between classes.

"Hey, you two, what's up?" Adrien asked. He looked a little puzzled about being cornered, but it only barely showed. "I saw you tried to call me yesterday, Alya- sorry I didn't pick up, I was busy."

"You're always busy, we're used to that," Alya said cheerfully, waving it off. "But, uh, we wanted to talk to you about something- well, admit something, rather- anyway, did you see the Jagged Stone show yesterday?"

Alix tried not to snort. For a moment there, Alya had sounded rather like Marinette trying to talk to Adrien.

"I did," Adrien told them, grinning. "Jagged looked like a ghost with the flour all over him, didn't he? I'm glad Tom and Sabine were willing to kick them out, though. They didn't have to go all the way upstairs."

Alix winced. "So you saw that part, huh?"

Adrien's answering nod was so slight that it would have been easy to miss it.

"The wall of photos was actually our fault," Alya admitted. "We put it up as a joke- we hid photos all over her room, actually, we should probably actually tell Marinette about that, if she hadn't found those- and she's apparently been too busy to get it all cleaned up."

Adrien looked puzzled. "Wait, that was you guys? Then why didn't Marinette just say so? And why pictures of me?"

Alix and Alya exchanged a surprised look. Apparently Marinette and Adrien had already talked, and Marinette hadn't made a complete mess of it.

Maybe they should have talked to Marinette to see what she had told him first.

"Maybe she just didn't want to explain the prank?" Alya suggested after another couple beats. "A-and it was pictures of you because of, y'know, the fashion thing, and it's really easy to find pictures of you. It wasn't anything bad at all, I swear."

Adrien huffed out a small laugh at that. "It is easy to find pictures of me, isn't it? It's a bit annoying at times. But I guess it saves my father from having to take photos of me growing up himself." He shrugged. "But thanks, I guess? That would explain why some of the photos weren't from any of my photoshoots. I did wonder."

"Heh heh yeah, that was us." Alya flashed a too-wide smile. "It was just a bit of fun, y'know? We wouldn't have done it if we knew it was going to get onto TV."

"Right, I figured." Adrien glanced over to where Nino and Max were talking. "Thanks for telling me, I guess. See you in class?"

"Of course," Alya and Alix said in near unison as Adrien waved to them and left. They both let out a sigh relief as soon as he was out of earshot and then dissolved into giddy giggles.

"Well, that was easier than I thought it would be," Alya said a bit breathlessly as they recovered. "He kind of accepts any excuse, doesn't he? He probably made it really easy for Marinette to come up with something."

"Hey, I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth." Alix started walking towards their next class, and Alya followed. "Adrien listened to us, and apparently Marinette managed to get some coherent sentences out around him earlier, so that's a win. And Jagged and his crew didn't manage to, say, upend the chaise and scatter photos all over on live TV, so win there too, I guess."

They walked in silence for a few moments.

"So d'you think you could make it over to Marinette's house after school today?" Alya asked as they joined the group of students heading into Madam Mendeleiev's classroom. "To help Marinette take down posters and clean up all of the photos we hid? I feel like we kind of owe it to her to help."

Alix winced. She had been planning on practicing her roller-skating sprints, but yeah, they did kind of owe it to Marinette. She had probably already spent enough time taking stuff down already, and Alya might not be able to remember all the places where they hid photos away.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be there."

[onwardtoprocess]

So I have a girlfriend

so I have a girlfriend. It’s funny because out of all the places to meet and find loved ones ... we met on an online dating app. It’s weird to tell people at first, but online dating is becoming more ubiquitous in today’s society. Anyways, for the sake of privacy and if she ever finds out about this blog, i’ll call her “Mulan”. Mulan isn’t your normal every day girl and I found that quite clear in our first interactions.  Anyways, my “1″ post was regarding Mulan and it was quite messy. I just want to let you guys know more about who this girl i’m ranting about is. Let’s talk about her and organize this post a little.

First thing you guys need to know abut Mulan: she’s a huge kpop fan. She obsesses over a specific boy group, BTS, and even has a social media account solely focused on everything BTS. Some of her posts consist of selfies and close up shots of her bias and expresses how she wants to kiss and hug him etc. What do I think about this? Half the time It’s okay, but the other half i’m uncomfortable. To be fair, she doesn’t know I know about her account, but at the same time it popped up on my related. Also, when she’s not texting me - which occurs often when she’s free - she’s posting photos and illustrating the immense amount of obsession she has over her beloved boy band member. Don’t get me wrong, I love BTS, they make great music and I connect a lot with their songs. However, the whole idol culture and obsessing over everything about the members I never got into that and it turns me off when I see her like that.

Second, Mulan is a really bad communicator. When we first talked, she was pretty fast in her responses. Yet, it’s pretty much different now since we are dating. She takes sometimes hours to respond now, but she’ll be active on text for a while. I’ve actually brought it up in the past and she says that’s basically who she is. She claims that she’s not used to talking to someone constantly. Also, Mulan can be quite a bland texter. Sometimes her responses are so bland and vague that it seems like she doesn’t want to talk. Not to mention, she hardly ever asks me questions back. So no “how’s your days” or “what you are doings”. This makes the conversation one-sided. She said that a lot of her friends feel like she’s mad at them, but to her that’s not the case. I guess I can see that, but you know since we are dating you shouldn’t distance yourself from your partner... shes been improving though, but sometimes it gets to the point where I question if she’ll ever change? I guess I need to understand her communication style, but you know how can I tell her my feelings and how my day is if she never asks or wonders? I can’t always be the one initiating. Sometimes I get the feeling she doesn’t like me or that maybe she doesn’t like me on the same level. 

Overall, there’s so much I can talk about with her. Regardless, I really love this girl. I sometimes think I come off as clingy and it’s sad. I devote a lot of my time thinking about this girl. I hope it wears off because I don’t want to depend on her and have my life be about her. My life should be about myself. 

[tackycute]

Selfie spam? (Sfw or nsfw, whichever you’d like)

I don’t have any new pictures tbh anon. I rarely take any of myself, but once my phone isn’t dead I’ll post some pictures of other stuff I have taken recently. Mostly the sky and my plants.

Speaking of which your question reminded me of a current internal debate I’ve been having about whether I should get an Instagram; Mostly just so I have a place to post plants since I feel my Tumblr doesn’t get enough plant-interested individuals and my Snapchat (the normal place I do) I hardly ever use to the point it seems redundant to post to my story.

** I extremely dislike even having a Snapchat and would delete it if some of my friends didn’t primarily contact me on it. Side note, if interested in my Snapchat it’s tackycute- no dick/explicit pics or you will be blocked.

This debate has been one I’ve more so had in the past few months because it would give me practice with online marketing once I get deeper into my progression of my small business (oh yeah btw that’s legit and I don’t talk about it because I want to officially say stuff about it at once I have more stability with it). So of course, as a future small business owner I need to learn how to online market and more importantly become comfortable with putting things I deem sacred online. Something I struggle very deeply with. For brief example, I just never take pictures and don’t have much I’d want to contribute to the public/followers/outside world. As you can tell from my Tumblr blog, there’s a bit of personality but most of the personality I’ve presented about myself is through the work of other’s through their art. Shocker, art is very important to me and so it’s somewhat led me to these conclusions coupled with my comparison of my personality/thoughts to seemingly my peers’: My art is sorta sacred to me, my face is not my favorite all the time, and my life is not filled with adventure or enough adventure to pretend that it does to post online. What in my life that’s worth posting is my plants, wild plants, and maybe other people’s art and pieces of literature/poetry/music. My conclusion at the end of most of my internal debates regarding this topic is, I don’t know if only plants and other’s art really is enough to justify going through the hassle of having and maintaining an IG account.

Ya know I think many can say having a nice, aesthetically pleasing, and satisfying Instagram or social media platform is a lot to manage. And to be fairly honest, if I can’t make something I deem important perfect (nice/aesthetically pleasing and satisfying) than I don’t want the disappointment I’d feel for thinking my social media account or self is a failure. It’s a bit dumb, but how one presents themselves online matters as much as it does for most because that’s literally you. No matter how photoshopped, cut into bits and pieces, or hidden you are on your social media that still is you at the end of the day and it will still effect your self concept. I know I get overwhelmed by media’s influence on my self concept and I know it has contributed to my feelings of inadequacy, so why would I further expose myself to that? I go back and forth if the pros really outweigh the cons, and on most days it doesn’t for me. Thus, me still not having an IG. 

OR 

Maybe I’m just overly weird about social media platforms, but I do like my seclusion and privacy. Sometimes I find it strange how much I currently post of myself, and then I find it so much stranger how much more open other people my age seem to be about social media platforms. Like it’s okay, no judgment, sometimes I feel incredibly distant from my peers regarding it and it’s really an annoying conflict. I’d probably be more open to social media if my privacy wasn’t being invaded by the state and my not so favorite peers, but that’s unlikely to ever happen. There’s business in being in my business, and most of that business is not designed to be for my better well being. So again, why would I engage further in that? It leads to again the beginning of this where my main pro purpose for getting a Instagram would to be to promote my business through posts about art, nature, and positivity. 

Btw I’m sure this is not the response you were expecting, but if any of you take the time to read this and would like to give me your thoughts about your take on my internal conflict please do. Should I stay [without a IG] or should I go [and make a IG]? 

Ps- The link to “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?” by The Clash song since I made the joke– https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r0iuoj-KNU

[trcubledycuth]

🤧 – comforting them when crying

              It was a sickly surreal feeling to have your life ripped out from beneath your feet. It’s not that he didn’t have a choice in the matter, but with enough force, anyone’s willpower would crumble under the sheer determination of everyone around him. The hold on Adrian might have been comparable to one of the gigantic snakes that frequented Australia and Peru—  the kind that squeezed the life out of you, the very air from your lungs. Fucking Anaconda the movie, realness. But Julian wasn’t trying to kill his brother, instead he was wrapped around him clinging for dear life with his face buried deep against his neck —   dark brown curls mangled with his tear covered face and the reality of it all. He was a grown man, but he’d also just lost the love of his life, possibly the movie he was shooting— Olivia was being extremely tight lipped about it considering they were ‘working through things’ and exploring their options; she made it quite clear Julian needed to focus on getting better— as if he were actually sick. Three months was a long time to be out, six if he really fucking sucked. But those were purely the tip of the iceberg, weren’t they? 

              Right alongside Cecelia and his career stood Adrian Quinn. And if this didn’t classify as letting someone down, what did? It’s not even that he’d meant to lie to him… . Reality just sort of slipped away when he’d been so focused on how not a big deal it was. Really, finding out he’d hooked up with guys was the last thing that should have been a worry because it meant far more than that. At least in the eyes of the normal. Julian just hadn’t considered it to be anyone’s business really. He didn’t even know what he was doing half the time, couldn’t that just be this weird silent area that didn’t exist unless he was looking at it? It was Tommy that complicated things. And soon to be some GHOSTS from his past, ready to cash in on the train wreck that was America’s Favorite falling from grace. Everyone needed their hand in the honeypot before EVERYTHING was gone. 

             Was he just going to ignore the drug problem? Well. That wasn’t really a problem, it just got exacerbated and sounded a lot worse. Except for the fact he wasn’t headed to rehab for a sex addiction, or anything of the sort. But … DEFLECT DEFLECT DEFLECT. 

              The past week had left him feeling like Hell warmed over, struggling to get a grip on what had happened. All he’d done was run from his problems, every single one of them. Holly dragged him down to the bottom of the hole, then used his next to unconscious self to climb up the ladder, leaving him crumpled in the darkness as she came out victorious, so brave. She was being applauded for speaking OUT, it took so much out of her, this dark secret hanging over her head for so long. A secret SO MANY allowed to thrive, slithering below the surface, silently collecting it’s ‘victims’. Try as they may to keep JULIAN out of the loop, Adrian had left his phone on the hospital chair when he’d went to grab J a drink and he’d helped himself, bypassing the passcode in one try and trying to see what everyone was trying to guard him from. 

             For good reason. It was worse than he’d thought. 

     So much worse than he fucking thought. 

            Yeah. They didn’t have confirmation he was drugged out, or headed for Rehab, but they did have his silence — it’s own admission of guilt while Holly tried hard to peddle back, claim he was just as much of a victim. They had the photos of him kissing her, Holly straddling his lap and BACKING that turbulent love affair built upon the foundation of a HOLLYWOOD CLASSIC. 

           Two things he didn’t remember, but the photos didn’t lie. He could even pinpoint when it was from and … She was there, wasn’t she? He’d been with Brock but … Jackson, Jackson had been there too …  It wasn’t a wonder Cecelia reacted as she did. When had these even come out? Recently giving all of the shit she’d spewed over the past, what, six years credibility? It made him sick to his stomach. It wasn’t enough having EXPOSED him to the world with those BRIGHT BEGINNINGS where he did, and would have done anything to feel like MORE than he had. To actually get the shot to BE something and prove to the world what he knew he was capable of. The awards at home weren’t for nothing, he was brilliant at what he did. Maybe a little too brilliant considering the double life he’d been living right below the nose of THE PEOPLE HE CARED MOST ABOUT. 

        At some point the pilots grabbed their parachutes and jumped, Julian hadn’t gotten the memo and the plane that was symbolic for quite literally everything as it crashed into the ground and he felt every single fucking shard of torn metal using his body as a pincushion, as if he was a new age Voodoo Doll that had it  coming. Who knows. Maybe he did deserve it. When it first broke he’d done his best to disappear. It worked out great considering Europe gave him reason to truly melt into the role, forget his own issues and obsessively lock himself within the mindset where NOTHING ELSE MATTERED. Something Brock had subtly used to further his— their own agenda, unknown to JULIAN. 

       THE WORLD had never truly known who Julian was, but it was easy to get a false idea. Living vicariously through his frequent Instagram posts, hours upon hours of interviews and shoots, behind the scenes bullshit all heavily weighing on the internet. His IMDB bursting with trivia added years ago from his management and the countless people that had cycled through, an ever rotating door of faces and names that didn’t matter for more than a few months at a time. It’s not to say the world didn’t have SOME idea of who he was. He’d started being real after getting rid of Holly and the management that had suggested it for the boosted career he was on his way of getting but everyone always had their own agenda.

       And maybe that’s why he was finally breathing easy when Adrian was back at his side, always there for him to come home to with Cecelia to talk, de-stress, and just live. When he looked back upon his life (which was admittedly far too often), Adrian was there. And things went wrong, real wrong when Adrian left. His brother was so far ingrained into WHO HE WAS that it felt like A PIECE OF HIM WAS MISSING. Yeah, Adrian had essentially raised him, but he’d also been his partner in crime, the RING LEADER. And without that he struggled. Things escalated and his parents came to realize that they really didn’t know their youngest, at least not since HE’D CHANGED. Funnily enough he hadn’t changed, Adrian just wasn’t there to keep the lies going, and he floundered to do it himself for a few months. And maybe that’s when it all started. The constant nagging and explosive fights over nothing, constantly at head with one another in a uncompromising game of tug of war where neither side would EVER understand one another. 

    It left him empty. Aching for something more. For some form of understanding that seemed like a mythical beast, because the one person who got him was on the other side of the UNITED STATES. Hardly a world away, but stuck isolated in WINE COUNTRY … Well, first world problems, right? That’s how most would have looked at it. Fights with the parents? Pft, typical. Problems at school? Typical. Feeling empty, worthless? CLASSIC TEENAGER. It was both the driving force and what caused him to crumble because he NEVER grew out of it and now that … Now that everyone was turning their back? 

      It had him feeling sixteen again. Though even his parents hadn’t come close to the crushing weight that made it hard to breathe, forcing his lungs to struggle for air, knuckles white with the sheer force in which they were curled into Adrian’s jacket. Switzerland. The private jet was sobering, each passing minute pushing him closer and closer to the brink of no return. He was pale, quiet, lost. He’d found his place to belong and … How did he get so far from it? Holly quite literally was ruining everything, or was he just running from his problems again? Placing blame where it needn’t be? He could have went through and proposed to Cecelia, but she deserved FAR MORE than the shitshow Holly was handing out free admission to. If he was going to propose it was going to be special not some spectacle for the world to sit by and watch, this was his life, not a role. 

    But this is what he signed up for, right? That’s what everyone said. Boohoo, go cry into your pile of money; something that was often yelled from the other side of the glass as people tapped and prodded, shoving phones and cameras in his face, curling around him to grab that surprise selfie to say THEY MET JULIAN QUINN AND TOOK THIS REALLY AWKWARD PHOTO, failing to mention they couldn’t be fucked to so much say hello or show any human act of decency. Well, unless screaming in his face counted. 

     Yes, this is exactly what he signed up for when he wanted to be an actor. Acting was his escape, all he’d fucking known for how long? He’d gotten good at it out of necessity, then left the very reason why in the review mirror, never looking back. Doing whatever it took to prove himself. Turns out, it hadn’t been the right choice. Deep in Switzerland, in a town Julian still couldn’t pronounce, they stood on the sidewalk shrouded in darkness, the bitter cold nipping at every piece of skin his tears touched. It was some ungodly hour in the morning and he was left scrambling, trying to convince his brother that he didn’t need to go. Days were spent in the hospital, locked in hopeless arguments trying to derail the trajectory of his immediate future with no avail. 

      “I don’t wanna go— Adrian, please.” The words were sobbed into his neck with reckless abandon. When Adrian moved to Los Angeles, surely this wasn’t what he’d expected; BUT AT SOME POINT, things got a little messy. “I can’t be stuck here for three months.” And that was being optimistic, “Everyones gonna know, I gotta talk to Cee, I didn’t—“ Didn’t do what Holly said he did? Didn’t do what the photos said he did? “I don’t remember … I wouldn’t have, you know that.” What did Adrian really know anymore? Temptation was at every corner but when it came to his heart, and the heart he held in his hands; he was one of the good guys. Everyone paled in comparison to Cecelia and they were GOING TO HAVE A LIFE TOGETHER. Er, they were supposed to. That’s all he wanted. “She hates me, I can’t be here, I have to make it right,” Even if she hated him, and didn’t want to hear from him but she’d VANISHED far before he could CONFRONT what he hadn’t known was out there. Did she just think he was looking her dead in the eyes with a MOUTHFUL OF LIES? Likely … But they weren’t all lies, not this. 

      Sadly he didn’t get to pick and choose what she believed, no matter the amount of conviction he spoke with. “Adrian, please don’t leave me.” Please don’t hate me. Meaning as there regardless of what Adrian heard, or could make out. He was on a tangent, muffled emotion spilling out of his mouth. A fucking mess in a last ditch effort not to be stuck in his own personal PRISON OF NO ESCAPE for the next ninety fucking DAYS. Paying just under $70,000.00 a month for … what? He didn’t need this. 

      His own personal hell was being locked in a room with himself, no distractions. This was basically the same thing save for EVERYONE that was going to come at him with that sickly smothering ‘concern’ to make him BETTER. Actually this this was the hell now. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry— Please just … don’t go.” He needed him. 

[maxxfabray]

First Date | Harry + Max

Who: Maxine Fabray + Harry Potter ( @drharrypotter )

When: Friday 12.4.20

What: Harry & Max go on their first date. 

Max

Max couldn't remember the last time she went on an actual date. It was usually drinks and sex. Or going out and... sex. It was part of her routine when it came to interactions with others. So getting to dress up and go out to dinner with Harry, she jumped at the chance, even buying a red dress, just as the professor requested, and really made herself irresistible by the time he picked her up. "You look spiffy," she commented, running her hand over his chest as she leaned in to press a kiss to his cheek. This was an official date so she didn't have to refrain from more intimate touches if she didn't want to.

Harry

It had been a long time since Harry had met anyone he'd actually asked on a date, while he'd been writing the book his entire focus had been on getting it published and making sure that it was good enough. And before then, well he'd just wanted to make sure he was making enough for his family. Max was like the most refreshing and unexpected surprise in his life, she was beautiful and a little worrying at times but he always found himself thinking about her. He smiled at her when she arrived, god she was beautiful. "The lady in red." He teased lightly. "You look even more gorgeous than I thought you would." A light blush forming when she kissed his cheek.

Max

Receiving compliments was something Max was a pro at, but coming from Harry made her feel some kind of way that she couldn't explain. Plus there was the way he looked at her that made her stomach flip. So she just smiled in response, backing up and doing a small spin to show off her whole body in the stunning dress she was proud of. "I did this all for you, Sir," she confirmed, pulling her curled hair over one shoulder, then grabbing her small silver clutch that matched her heels. "Ready when you are. She wrapped her arm around his. "I suppose tonight is going to be your treat as well?" She asked with a smirk.

Harry

His soft smile became something akin to an embarrassed grin when she said she had done it all for him. Giving her a small whistle as she twirled. “Well I’ll try very hard to deserve the effort. Though it’ll be a tall order when you look like that.” He told her, and then started leading her towards his car. “Naturally. A gentleman never lets a lady pay on the first date. My Ma would immigrate to Florida just to drown me in the ocean.” He laughed easily.

Max

Max smiled at the mention of his mom. She normally didn't pay much attention to what other people said, but she remembered this being the second time he mentioned his mom. "You're really close to your mom, huh?" She asked with small smile. She wondered what it was like growing up with normal families and having normal mothers. "I promise I'll let you do all of the gentleman things tonight then," Max couldn't have timed it better herself. "And that includes opening all doors and pulling out all chairs." It was exactly the kind of behavior that was expected in the circles she grew up in, so all was good there.

Harry

Harry shrugged, it was odd to think that nobody knew about him or all of his siblings here that he had a separate identity when back home everything that he was attached to them. “I’ve got a big family, and I’m the oldest so I’ve always tried to help my Ma out.” He explained. “So she’s sort of like my best friend as well as my Ma.” The Irishman said with a smile. “Of course, you can’t sit down if I don’t make sure the chair doesn’t have a pine come on or something.” Harry joked lightly trying to show that he wasn’t always serious. However when they reached his car he did open the passenger door for her.December 7, 2020

Max

"I've got pretty big family too," Max added. "But I'm pretty sure that's the only thing our families have in common. Your mom sounds sweet though." Max shrugged, not really caring to continue the conversation about her family. Some of the things he said were odd, but she was sure the same could be said about herself. "Or you were just taught to be a gentleman, which is cool." She slipped into the car once he opened the door and took a moment to scroll through her phone while he climbed in on the other side. Taking a selfie or two for her social media. When he was situated, she leaned over, pressing her head onto his shoulder and holding her phone up on the camera screen. "Smile."

Harry

“Oh yeah, you Fabray sisters are pretty famous with the faculty.” The irishman told her honestly. “A quartet of blondes.” He teased just a little. “Are you close with your sisters?” He asked her, hoping that the question wasn’t an uncomfortable one. He got into his side of the car and was a little surprised when she put the phone up. But he gave her a smile all the same, not minding humouring her even though he usually hated having his picture taken. “Gonna put that in your burn book?” He asked, as he started the car.

Max

"Are we?" Max asked with an arched eyebrow. It amused her and she honestly was used to attention being on her and her sisters. Especially back in Connecticut. At his question, she shook her head and scrunched her face. "I'm fairly close to my sister Jo, but as for the other two not really." It was hard to be close to your sisters when you were always competing for your parents' love and affection. "I think it's cute that you know what a burn book is. No, this is going to be be posted on Instagram. First date vibes." She showed him the finished product with the caption and dropped her phone onto her lap. Max planned on takin advantage of him spoiling her for the night and waited for him to come around and open the door for her. It was a bit ridiculous, but Harry seemed more than happy to do it. "Are you one of those Dominants who like ordering for their dates?"

Harry

“Yeah for sure, I mean maybe I hear it more often because I’ve been guilty of bringing you up.” Harry shrugged with a slightly guilty smile. “That’s fair enough, I wouldn’t say I’m that close to all of my siblings either.. though there are thirteen of us all together and I’m old enough to be a fair few of thems Da.” He laughed. “I don’t think I’ve ever had any first date vibes posted on Instagram. So thanks.” Harry smiled, parking and then coming around to let her out. “I can be, I’m not forceful about it. Especially on a first date, wouldn’t want you to be stuck with something shit just so I can feel like a big man. Are you a switch who enjoys that?” He countered, he didn’t know all that much about her in a D/s sense and he was keen to do that too.

Max

At this point, Max could not contain the smile that followed his words. "You've brought me up with the rest of the faculty?" She asked, leaning over the table to run a finger over his hand. "You really must like me." She bit at her bottom lip, getting lost in his accent as he talked about his family. She couldn't imagine having that many siblings. Her parents would have gone even more crazy than they already did trying to keep all of them in line. They didn't even manage that with 6 kids. She licked her lips and closed the menu, sliding it back. "I'm a Switch who enjoys submission just as much as I enjoy domming. And I'm curious to see what you would get me. I don't have any restrictions, so go wild, Sir." She paused and tapped her chin. "Oh, but make sure the wine is red."

Harry

“Well could you really expect me not to?” He asked. “You showed up at my office like a hurricane, I had to know more. Then you lured me out with sweets you didn’t have by the way. You fascinate me.” He teased, though she was right he did really like her. He was secretly pleased that she wouldn’t mind him ordering for her. Harry liked to Dom, but he didn’t want to be one of those guys who came on too strong especially when she was a student. Didn’t want to get thought of as weird. He browsed the menu. “Well I know it can’t be boring, so none of the ‘classics’ and you always order white wine with fish so that rules that out. I think we’ll both get the house special, glass of red for you and a beer for me.”

Max

The way Harry talked about her really had her going. Like a hurricane. She’d been called that before but never in a way that made her smile the way she was currently smiling. “I do like to be fascinating.” She wasn’t sure how he was going to react to her willingness to take on a more submissive role and was pleased when he just went ahead and ordered for them both. When the waiter went off to get their food, Max leaned in a bit. “I think this is the portion of the date when we ask each other extremely personal questions, right? I’ll go first. How the hell are you single?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

Harry

He laughed when she asked if it was time to ask personal questions, he couldn’t remember the last time anyone had asked him anything about his private life. “I guess because I’m sort of boring? I spent most of my adult life writing a book that most people would consider deadly boring. And when I wasn’t doing that I was helping my Ma with my siblings.. it’s not exactly sexy. Plus I never went to one of these finishing schools, I just went to the library and sort of willed the hot girls to start lining up.” He joked awkwardly. “How about you? We’ve established your always the most interesting person in a room. Why are you single?”

Max

"And did the hot girls line up?" She asked with an amused grin. He was not the typical type of person that normally caught Max's attention but here she was, completely smitten. "Well, the thing about being the most interesting person in the room is I'm always on the go and hardly fully satisfied." Max shrugged, pausing so the waiter could pour her glass of wine. She smiled and immediately took a small sip. "I'm single because people lose patience with me quite early on. And I just move on to the next thing." She held up her glass when he got his beer. "A toast to our flaws that keep us single."

Harry

Harry laughed. "No, they did not. I think they were busy getting their own degrees and having a life." He shrugged, almost glad he'd never really met anyone until now because he couldn't imagine they'd measure up to Max Fabray. "You're right, how could the most interesting person in the room ever be satisfied by us mere mortals." Harry asked with a raised eyebrow, her next statement made his heart sink a little because he didn't see any way that it could really be true. Raising his glass he clinked it against hers. "Agreed... "

[markleetrashh]

Best Friend WinWin

Request: I was just wondering would you be able to write a best friend Winwin cause I think he would be the perfect best friend??

A/N: i apologise that this is so short 😫

i feel like i’ve said this endless times already but i love it when chinaline gets requests!!

and yes i agree with you winwin’s best friend material 💯💯

even though he’s just a child at times tbh

it’s been long since i did this series!

okay i wont go on anymore let’s start

so how you met him

typical but he was that one transfer kid in high school to your class

and he was so so shy??

he held his head down most of the time when introducing himself aw

so the teacher asked him to seat at back of the class so he wouldn’t feel that uncomfortable

and guess what, you’re three seats away from him

and you couldn’t help but stare because he’s so adorable and shy??

and just when you were staring he caught eye contact with you and you saw how big his eyes widened and you probably scared him

and that was his first impression of you

“creepy girl who kept staring at me on my first day”

and you found he also joined the school dance team after a few days and you were shookt because it was hard to get in, like how’d he get in so easily??

flexible and talented boy

but then you also notice how quiet he was and seemed so uncomfortable be it during break time or class

so you and your bff jaehyun decided to talk to him and join him

“hey just wanted to ask if you wanna join me and jae for lunch later?”

“me?… ahh sure…”

and he blushes like mad and gets embarrassed for no reason

soon enough he’s with you 24/7

and because jaehyun’s always busy with his other friends too it were many opportunities for winwin and you to get closer

like that one day you tricked him into going to a haunted house at the amusement park

half of the time he was tugging and pulling at your arm screaming loudly

“i WOULD HAVE DIED WITHOUT YOU BACK IN THERE AND IM THANKFUL FOR THAT BUT YOU’RE STILL NOT FORGIVEN FOR TRICKING ME-”

turns out it only takes an ice cream cone to get forgiven

“i love ice cream!!! thank you bestie hehe”

acts like a small kid most of the time

and when you call him out on that he gets all defensive

“you’re the kid here, you’re so mean to me”

“we’re only a few months apart, im not that young”

proceeds to giggle and laugh like an innocent child

asks you to buy gifts for him

and you cant resist because he’s so cute??

but at the same time he pays you back by treating you to meals and buying you the things you like too

seems innocent but is lowkey plotting pranks to play on you

and his acting is so good you always fall for them

more of a listener than a talker

on exceptional days where he’s in a really good mood he could go on talking for hours

but normally he’s just listening to you ramble on about your life and just casually adding comments

even though he doesnt really give great advice, he still tries his best and his listening is more than enough for you

but when he has problems he’s always too afraid to share them with you

not because he doesnt trust you,

he just doesnt want to bother or disturb you

and also because he isnt good with his words

but as soon as you comforted him and assure him that it was okay,

he’d start stating how he feels and soon it’d turn into a rant session

really supportive and encouraging

always the first one to like and comment on your photos when you post some up

“didn’t know my best friend was this pretty”

“you need a picture of us up soon”

“i thought i told you to post the other one up??? why did you post this. but you still look great so”

probably texts you in the middle of the night to ask you weird questions

and he wouldn’t stop until you reply

but when you do the same to him he gets all grumpy that you woke him up from his sleep

but the next day he forgets all about it

never gets angry at you, ever

at the most, he’d just be pissed off or annoyed

but by the next hour he’d be all giggly and happy again

doesnt show it much but loves it when you’re happy

because your happiness makes him happy too

and he loves it most when you smile

which is why he always pokes your cheeks and squeeze them when you do

loves taking weird selfies with you

and they always go up to 50 over pictures in one seating

which is why both of your phone storage hardly have enough space

has his lockscreen set to a picture of you two

begs and asks you to watch anime and play games with him

and he’d get super clingy and whiny if you dont

which you agree to because you love doing those two anyways

both of you have gotten so close jaehyun even thought the both of you were dating

“winwin ah, are you and Y/N… together?”

“no!! never haha, she’s just my best friend and i treat her like me sister”

“really? the both of you are super close though?”

“cant help it haha”

loves having small little conversations with you

yall could spend the whole night just reminiscing on all the memories you two had

and he’d also share with you his childhood stories when he was in china

and you find it so amusing because in others’ eyes he’s an awkward bun who hardly says anything

but with you it is as though he’s a talking machine

but it also shows how much he trusts you and treats you like a best friend

“thank you so much and i love you for all you’ve done for me ever since i stepped into the school the first day a few years back”

[bsuorez]

I hate you at the airport

I hate you at the airport. I hate you at the airport, parents traveling with toddler. If I'm in line at the grocery store, or stuck in traffic next to your back seat windows, or just wandering about, I am mildly delighted by your child. How they see everything as new and exciting and amazing - grocery checkout conveyor belts, automatic doors, the changing digital billboards. I will pull funny faces and make myself look generally stupid, just to see if I can get your kid to giggle. But when we are at the airport, I hate you. You are tired and so is your child, and you all shuffle your feet lifelessly. You move only as fast as the slowest member of your group - and since you are tired and have your hands full of luggage, that means your toddler is the one setting the pace for your journey. You always manage to expand, like insulation foam, at pinch points in corridors or high traffic areas. Your massive luggage mountain means I can't see around you, which gives me a 50% chance of walking right into an Asian businessman. I hate you at the airport, Asian businessman. Normally if I interact with you, in the non travel world, I enjoy your softer voice and easy manner. We have a shared preference for calm, in general. I can explain things to you, if we're interacting in a professional manner, and we can get things done. If it's social or just passing, the polite smiles we both don are enough. But I hate you at the airport. You are always on the phone, sounding busy, while zipping around all of the foot traffic with your wheeled luggage. Don't misunderstand - I get the need to get away from the mass of travelers, and I get it when you're in a hurry. But to find the path of least resistance, you zigzag across all walking spaces with no notice and no apparent care, leaving others to pull up suddenly short or risk being run right over by the aforementioned luggage. I have run into so many of you because of this, and I don't always want to apologize. I hate you at the airport, school sports team. In the regular world, what with me having no interest in almost all sports, and no longer being in school, I rarely if ever see you. I'll occasionally buy a candy bar off your younger members, or give your older ones a $5 tip after they haphazardly wash my car to raise funds for a trip. And then you go on that trip, school sports team. And I hate you. You are all in matching outfits, and you are a clump. More than parents with toddler, even. I do not know, but strongly suspect, that your matching outfits have some invisible force field that limits how far apart the given members can be. You insist on going through security as one - invariably in the same line as I was just waved over to. You order your food at the concourse fast food joints as one. Fifteen hamburgers, three ten count chicken nuggets, fifteen fries. All I want is a glass of iced tea. When I go to escape into a Hudson News, that bastion of solace when your world consists of airports, you are all in there, huddled around the same drink fridge and display of tired travel pillows. I am happy that you got to take your trip - whether you went for fun or competition. But just know, I am silently seething and half wishing that this will be the last trip your team ever goes on, because I hate you so much. I hate you at the airport, teenage girls. In my day to day life, I interact with a few of you somewhat regularly. I even remember what it was like to be a teenage girl, for despite my gray hair and apparent apathy, there was a time when I was young and felt things. But your surliness towards your parents/chaperones/hated overlords, and your deliberate slowness in complying with instructions, especially at TSA when you have to put your phone down and take off your shoes, is slowing me down. And I no longer have all day to be moody and angry at the world for existing. I have things to do. Stop taking selfies and checking messages after immediately clearing the TSA line and get out of the way. I hope your phone drops and shatters and you don't get a new one ever. I hate you at the airport, elderly couple. In day to day life, you give me hope and remind me love can be with us for a very long time. You are what I secretly dream of being when I grow old, and it's rare that I see one of your kind and don't smile. But at the airport I have only aggravated sighs. You shuffle everywhere, holding hands and somehow only barely holding on to your luggage. If you have unbowed your pride enough to ask for help, you are either in a noisy cart which makes me nervous, or being pushed, and I dread the boarding delays if you are on my flight. You're old - you're supposed to get to make people come to you. I hate you at the airport, military service members. You are, most likely, a good person, and when I see you outside of airports ... okay, you still make me sad and nervous. I don't like how many truly young faces I see, and I don't like how some of you are doing this for some slim chance of advancing. Not because I don't want you to advance, but because I think it's so wrong that you are told to risk your life in a very real way for that chance. When your family and loved ones are hugging you goodbye and crying, it hurts me inside. It also shames me, because I've never sacrificed or been asked to sacrifice as you have. I hope you come home okay, but not in an airport I am flying through, or else I will spend ten minutes having a private sobbing session in the bathroom after I see your reunion - or your disappointment when it's just one person to pick you up. Hardly the hero's welcome you deserve. I hate you at the airport, first time visitors to this town. If I'm at a restaurant, or the gas station, and you ask questions, I'm happy to give you directions, tell you some hidden sight you must see, a restaurant that's a hidden treasure you have to check out. But at the airport, you constantly stop right in front of me, looking for something or just waiting for your group to catch up or taking pictures to post of your arrival in wherever it is we've all landed. I see smartphones lifted and I dive for cover, not wanting to be the weird stranger with the sour face in the background of your photos. Go be tourists and take pictures and travel and laugh - just not at the airport. I hate you at the airport, TSA workers. I know you're just doing a job, and that it's needful. If you're out in the regular world we probably get along just fine. You're the lady behind me at the grocery store checkout as we exchange "oh brother" glances about the person asking for price checks on everything in their cart. You're the guy who gives a general nod and brief smile of acknowledgement when we're filling up our cars side by side at the gas station. But at the airport, you are one more delay, one more frustration, for me to overcome. But most of all, I hate you at the airport, Rebecca Suorez. You've become so jaded by travel and flying that you never appreciate how amazing it is that we can take to the sky like birds, how travel time has been cut from days, weeks, and sometimes months down to mere hours, depending on where you are and where you want to go. You are so caught up with catching the next flight, doing the next thing, that you walk past beautiful murals, collections of art, and sometimes lovely views, just getting to the next place. You've lost your sense of contentment, and maybe your ability to find joy in small things. You panic because the crowds are so present and overwhelming. You don't talk to anyone or smile. You put in your earbuds on the plane right away, because you no longer see the point in - and sometimes, just don't have the energy for - engaging in conversations with strangers you won't see again. You can watch fireworks for hours in delight, spend hours in an old bookstore or toy shop, drag people off on a wild chase around the area to find something interesting. And yet you stand in one of many interconnected hubs where millions of stories are being told, and you turn up your podcasts to drown out the sounds of anything else. I hate me at the airport.